Listen up, you festive fools! I, the Grinch, am writing to save you from a catastrophic holiday expedition to New York City. Your dreams of magical holiday cheer are nothing more than a sugar-coated delusion, and I'm here to burst your tinsel-covered bubble. Allow me to enlighten you about the so-called "wonders" awaiting you in that concrete jungle. Please don't share this on social media. Let's shut this holiday season down for good!
Photo by R.C. Staab
Skip the Crowds at the Giant Spruce. Watch for Falling Ornaments.
What a colossal waste of a perfectly good Norway Spruce! This year's Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, standing at a ridiculous height of over 74 feet and weighing in at about 11 tons will be lit on December 4th and remain on display until mid-January. You'll be herded like cattle with thousands of other tourists, craning your necks to see a tree that's been stripped from its forest home in Massachusetets and dressed up like some garish decoration. The 50,000 multi-colored LED lights might blind you, and the Swarovski crystal star on top is just nature with a facelift. Save yourself the trouble and stare at a light bulb at home. Or watch the NBC-TV special on your tiny little mobile device.
Photo by R.C. Staab
Avoid the Broadway Musical Elf at All Costs. It Will Cost You!
Don't be fooled by the saccharine sweetness of the musical Elf on Broadway. This musical adaptation of the 2003 film runs a torturous 2 hours and 30 minutes, filled with mind-numbing songs about Christmas cheer. Fortunately, there's a 15-minute intermission.
You'll be subjected to the story of Buddy, a human raised as an elf at the North Pole, who travels to New York City to find his biological father. Spoiler alert -- Buddy isn't real. He's a fictional character! The show runs through January 4 at the Marquis Theatre. Even with its wide seats and pleasant indoor lobby inside the Marriott Marquis Hotel, you're better off staying in Whoville and watching paint dry.
Photo by R.C. Staab
Tip Toe Away from Macy's "Commercialism in Glass Boxes"
Talk about ridiculous. This year, the so-called World's Largest Department Store, Macy's, is making-up another Christmas story, this time about Tip Toe, the reindeer that couldn't fly. Do we really need another reindeer when everyone is already bored with Rudolph, Blitzkrieg and Donna? Why waste hours shuffling along the sidewalk watching excited children peering at animatronic figures and glittery scenes that serve no purpose other than to make you feel inadequate about your own holiday decorations. Save yourself the trouble and look through your own windows at home.
Photo by R.C. Staab
Miniature Silliness at the Botanical Garden in Bronx
The New York Botanical Garden's Holiday Train Show is nothing more than a glorified model railroad set. Even with decent parking and easy access via subways and Metro North, why would anyone go all the way to the Bronx?! Through
On Mario's Holiday Gift List
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January 18, they'll try to impress you with miniature replicas of New York landmarks crafted from natural materials like bark and leaves. Sure, there are over 175 New York landmarks and more than 25 G-scale model trains zipping around, but it's all an illusion of grandeur. You'll pay exorbitant admission fees to squint at tiny buildings and pretend you're a giant. The magic of the season? More like the monotony of miniatures.
Photo by R.C. Staab
Kicking Goes On and On and On at Radio City
Ah, the Christmas Spectacular starring the Radio City Rockettes – a holiday tradition that has been dazzling audiences since 1933 at Radio City Music Hall. But let me tell you, this extravaganza is more about spectacle than substance. Running until January 5, 2025, this show lasts a grueling 1 hour and 30 minutes with no intermission, which feels like an eternity when you're bombarded with flashy lights and over-the-top performances.
The Rockettes, all 36 of them, will kick their way through a series of holiday-themed vignettes that include everything from the "Parade of the Wooden Soldiers" to a live Nativity scene featuring real animals. You’ll be subjected to songs like "Santa’s Gonna Rock and Roll" and "Welcome Christmas," but don't expect any heartwarming tales or touching moments. Instead, prepare for an onslaught of synchronized dancing that feels more like a military drill than a celebration. And let’s not forget the new finale featuring 100 drones creating light patterns in the sky – because nothing says Christmas like aerial technology!
Photo by R.C. Staab
Dizzying Display of Wasted Electricity at Hudson Yards
Hudson Yards' attempt at holiday cheer is nothing more than a gaudy light show. From late November through early January, they'll blind you with their Shine Bright at Hudson Yards display. The main attraction? You think it would be the free photos with Santa. No! It's a towering hot air balloon sculpture made of 700,000 LED lights. It's 32 feet tall, but trust me, it's not impressive – it's just big. They'll try to dazzle you with light shows but it's all smoke and mirrors. You'll leave with a headache and a newfound appreciation for darkness.
Photo by R.C. Staab
Dyker Heights Lights: Brooklyn Excess at Its Worst
The Dyker Heights Christmas lights are a monument to wastefulness. From late November through New Year's Eve, this Brooklyn neighborhood transforms into a competitive light show. Residents try to outdo each other with massive inflatable Santas, life-size nativity scenes, and enough lights to be seen from space. You'll waste hours wandering the streets between 11th to 13th Avenues and 83rd to 86th Streets, gawking at houses that probably cause blackouts in other boroughs. The best displays? After 5 PM. The best time to visit? Never.
Photo by R.C. Staab
"Under the Palms": Tropical Mockery of Winter at Brookfield Place?
Brookfield Place in Lower Manhattan -- why can't they just say downtown -- thinks it can fool you with its "Holidays Under the Palms" spectacle. Through early January, they transform their glass-enclosed Winter Garden atrium into a faux tropical paradise. Picture this: a 16-foot Santa' Sandcastle surrounded by 16 new palm trees, all decked out in lights. It's a confusing mess of seasons that will leave you wondering if you're celebrating Christmas or planning a beach vacation. Don't be swayed by their free performances of The Nutcracker, ice skating rink, events and free holiday gift wrapping – it's all a ploy to get you to spend money in their high-end shops and food stalls. If Amazon wasn't so confusing and confounding, I'd suggest you shop there.
Photo by R.C. Staab
More Miniature Madness at Busy Grand Central Station
Can you ever get enough of Christmas trains?? I can! Grand Central Terminal's Holiday Train Show is another exercise in pointless miniaturization. From mid-November to early February, the New York Transit Museum Gallery Annex will host a 34-foot-long display featuring Lionel trains zipping through a two-level, miniature New York City, Metro-North trains through the countryside and even the ridiculous Polar Express. You'll strain your eyes trying to spot tiny replicas of subway cars and landmarks while being jostled by commuters sprinting having to work 3 days at the office in person (poor babies!).! It's free, but so is standing on High Line watching real trains creep into Penn Station.
Photo by R.C. Staab
Chicken Fingers. A Dog. Christmas Windows. Seriously??
Oh, you might think the Raising Cane's flagship location in Times Square at 44th and Broadway is the place to be, but let me tell you about their light show featuring a dog – Cane III, their mascot stealing Sant'as hat. .This spectacle runs throughout the holiday season and features a dazzling display of lights and windows synchronized to festive music. Is there a Chicken Fingers song? I don't think so.
Sure, it sounds charming, but the reality is a cacophony of barking and blaring holiday tunes that will make your ears ring. The show takes place every evening from 5 PM to 10 PM, but prepare yourself for the throngs of tourists who will be fighting for a glimpse of this oversized canine.Cane III. The 8,000-square-foot restaurant is already packed with patrons craving chicken fingers, and now you want to squeeze in to watch a glorified dog show? The whole scene is more chaotic than festive. And let's not forget, this isn't just any dog; it's a cartoonish representation meant to tug at your heartstrings while they try to sell you overpriced meals. Trust me, I know about stupid cartoons.
History Repackaged as Holiday Cheer
The New York Historical (renamed from the New York Historical Society like it makes a difference) thinks it can educate and entertain you with its Holiday Express: Toys and Trains from the Jerni Collection through Febuary 4. It showcases hundreds of toy trains, figurines, and miniature models from the renowned Jerni Collection. You'll see vintage and antique toys displayed in theatrical settings, but let's be honest – it's just old playthings behind glass. They'll try to wow you with a custom-made model train layout, but it's nothing more than a nostalgic trap designed to make you yearn for a past that never really existed.
Photo by R.C. Staab
Cacophony Under the Arch at Washington Square Park
Washington Square Park's Christmas Eve caroling event is a trap, I tell you! Gathering under the iconic arch at 5 PM, you'll be surrounded by tone-deaf New Yorkers belting out off-key renditions of holiday classics. The Rob Susman Brass Quartet might provide some semblance of musicality, but it'll be drowned out by the enthusiastic but musically challenged crowd. You'll freeze your Who-toes off for what? A sense of community? Bah humbug! Stay home where it's warm and you can control the playlist.
There you have it, my gullible Whos. I've laid bare the truth about these so-called "magical" New York City holiday attractions. They're nothing but overrated, overcrowded, and overhyped spectacles designed to part you from your Who-cash and Who-sanity. Take my advice: stay in Whoville, where at least the nonsense is familiar. Remember, the best way to spend the holidays is alone, in a cave, with a heart two sizes too small.Disgustedly yours,The Grinch
P.S. And if you still insist on going, don't blame me when you return with empty wallets and shattered illusions. You've been warned!
Also On Mario's Holiday Gift List
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