Dear Misguided Whos of Whoville, I hear you're planning to waste your time gawking at the so-called "magical" holiday windows along Fifth Avenue. Let me enlighten you about these overrated displays. Let's shut this holiday season down for good!
Looks the same as last year, doesn't it? Photo by R.C. Staab
Skip the crowds at the Giant Spruce.
What a colossal waste of a perfectly good Norway Spruce! This year's Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree, standing at a ridiculous height of over 74 feet and weighing in at about 11 tons was lit on December 4th and will remain on display until mid-January. You'll be herded like cattle with thousands of other tourists, craning your necks to see a tree that's been stripped from its forest home in Massachusetts and dressed up like some garish decoration. The 50,000 multi-colored LED lights might blind you, and the Swarovski crystal star on top is just nature with a facelift. Save yourself the trouble and stare at a light bulb at home. Or watch a re-run of the NBC-TV special about the tree lighting on your tiny little mobile device.
Clothes in the window! How exciting. Photo by R.C. Staab
Bah Humbug! Saks Goes All In for Not Much.
Oh, you thought Saks Fifth Avenue would dazzle you with their usual light show? Think again! They've decided to cancel their annual spectacle for 2024, claiming it's to "honor the architectural significance" of their building for its 100th anniversary. How convenient. Instead, they'll "elegantly illuminate" the facade and frame their holiday windows. You'll still see their "Gift of Delight" campaign, showcasing luxury pieces against colorful snowflake fragments and silver harlequin flooring. It's just another ploy to make you covet overpriced trinkets you don't need. Don't be fooled by their attempts to seem classy – it's still just a glorified sales pitch.
Exactly what is in the soldier's hand? Photo by R.C. Staab
FAO Schwarz: Cries of Over-Indulged Children.
Ah, FAO Schwarz, the so-called “world’s most iconic toy store", is now literally located in a new store in the shadow of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. As you approach, prepare to be bombarded by their holiday window displays, which this year are a chaotic blend of oversized stuffed animals and larger-than-life toys. The 2024 windows celebrate the spirit of the season with whimsical scenes featuring classic toy figurines, including nutcrackers and dancing teddy bears. Each window is designed to evoke a sense of childlike wonder, but honestly, it feels more like stepping into a carnival gone wrong. Don't worry about tipping the red-suited doorman -- NYC has a really high minimum wage.
We get it -- there are toys inside. Photo by R.C. Staab
Tip Toe Away from Macy's "Commercialism in Glass Boxes".
Talk about ridiculous. This year, the so-called World's Largest Department Store, Macy's, is making-up another Christmas story, this time about Tip Toe, the reindeer that couldn't fly. Do we really need another reindeer when everyone is already bored with Rudolph, Blitzkrieg and Donna? Why waste hours shuffling along the sidewalk watching excited children peering at animatronic figures and glittery scenes that serve no purpose other than to make you feel inadequate about your own holiday decorations. And what's up with those weird characters above the sign? The toys look anxious and scared! Who wouldn't be with the crazed children in the store!
Racing past Bergdorf for good reason. Photo by R.C. Staab
Billionaires Only at Bergdorf.
Bergdorf Goodman, in all its pretentious glory, has unveiled its "Toast of the Town" theme for 2024. They claim to be celebrating Fifth Avenue's 200th anniversary, but it's really just an excuse to show off their overpriced wares. Each of
On Mario's Holiday Gift List
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their nine windows supposedly highlights a specific moment in the avenue's history, but it's all just a backdrop for their luxury goods. You'll see elaborate costumes, intricate set designs, and probably some avant-garde art installations that make no sense. It's a desperate attempt to seem cultured while pushing $10,000 handbags. Don't waste your time trying to decipher their "artistic vision" – it's all just marketing in disguise.
A giant rope perhaps? Photo by R.C. Staab
What is going on with the new Swarovski store??!!
Swarovski, not content with just selling crystals, has turned the windows on their Flagship Fifth Avenue store into a blinding display of sparkle and shine. The store's exterior is designed to evoke a grand couture gift box, with vibrant green and pink panels framed by a pristine white ribbon. Really? It's just looks like someone had an extra large rope and didn't know what to do with it.
Trying to avoid the Teal at Tiffany. Photo by R.C. Staab
How is Teal the Color of the Season, Even at Tiffany & Co?
Talk about understated! Finally after years of scaffolding around the building, Tiffany & Co has now unveiled its new exterior which looks a lot like its old exterior. They try to convince you that nothing says "love" like overpriced silver and diamonds in tiny, tiny teal boxes. Don't be fooled by the twinkling lights and charming vignettes – it's all designed to make you feel like your holiday isn't complete without their ridiculously priced trinkets.
What happened to the red ribbon?. Photo by R.C. Staab
Cartier Is Lost in Space, Not the Holidays.
Traditionally, Cartier, that temple of overpriced baubles, transforms its Fifth Avenue corner into a red-bowed monstrosity. Apparently, the window dresser was layed off because they just erected a curious glob of moons, orbs and suns for the holidays. Maybe they are trying to send a message to Santa in Outer Space. In any case, it's all smoke and mirrors to distract you from the fact that you're window shopping for items you'll never own.
Doves and snowmen - what am I missing here? Photo by R.C. Staab
Snowmen are Melting All Over Nordstrom While Doves Watch.
Nordstrom, the new kid on the block on 57th Street near Broadway, is trying way too hard to fit in with its flashy Fifth Avenue neighbors. Their "Holiday Blizz" assaults your eyes with an explosion of color and inflatable characters. You'll see friendly snowmen and traffic cones because nothing says "Christmas" like road construction, right? It's a desperate attempt to stand out in a sea of luxury retailers, proving that sometimes newer isn't better – it's just louder and more obnoxious.
A Christmas balloon? Photo by R.C. Staab
Display of Wasted Electricity at Hudson Yards.
Hudson Yards' attempt at holiday cheer is nothing more than a gaudy light show. From late November through early January, they'll blind you with their Shine Bright at Hudson Yards display. The main attraction? You think it would be the free photos with Santa. No! It's a towering hot air balloon sculpture made of 700,000 LED lights. It's 32 feet tall, but trust me, it's not impressive – it's just big. They'll try to dazzle you with light shows, but it's all smoke and mirrors. You'll leave with a headache and a newfound appreciation for darkness.
Supposed to look like trees. So....? Photo by R.C. Staab
Tropical Mockery of Winter at Brookfield Place
Brookfield Place in Lower Manhattan -- why can't they just say downtown -- thinks it can fool you with its "Holidays Under the Palms" spectacle. Through early January, they transform their glass-enclosed Winter Garden atrium into a faux tropical paradise. Picture this: a 16-foot Santa's Sandcastle surrounded by 16 new palm trees, all decked out in lights. It's a confusing mess of seasons that will leave you wondering if you're celebrating Christmas or planning a beach vacation. Don't be swayed by their free performances of The Nutcracker, ice skating rink, events and free holiday gift wrapping – it's all a ploy to get you to spend money in their high-end shops and food stalls. If Amazon wasn't so confusing and confounding, I'd suggest you shop there.
Finger lickin' Christmas meal. Photo by R.C. Staab
Chicken Fingers. A Dog. Christmas Windows. Seriously??
Oh, you might think the Raising Cane's flagship location in Times Square at 44th and Broadway is the place to be, but let me tell you about their light show featuring a dog – Cane III, their mascot stealing Santa's hat. This spectacle runs throughout the holiday season and features a dazzling display of lights and windows synchronized to festive music. Is there a Chicken Fingers song? I don't think so.
Sure, it sounds charming, but the reality is a cacophony of barking and blaring holiday tunes that will make your ears ring. The show takes place every evening from 5 PM to 10 PM, but prepare yourself for the throngs of tourists who will be fighting for a glimpse of this oversized canine, Cane III. The 8,000-square-foot restaurant is already packed with patrons craving chicken fingers, and now you want to squeeze in to watch a glorified dog show? The whole scene is more chaotic than festive. And let's not forget, this isn't just any dog; it's a cartoonish representation meant to tug at your heartstrings while they try to sell you overpriced meals. Trust me, I know about stupid cartoons.
There you have it, my gullible Whos. I've laid bare the truth about these so-called "magical" New York City holiday attractions. They're nothing but overrated, overcrowded, and overhyped spectacles designed to part you from your Who-cash and Who-sanity. Take my advice: stay in Whoville, where at least the nonsense is familiar. Remember, the best way to spend the holidays is alone, in a cave, with a heart two sizes too small.Disgustedly yours,The Grinch
P.S. And if you still insist on going, don't blame me when you return with empty wallets and shattered illusions. You've been warned!
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